bullet points of small memories

I have a list of little things that happen with the family that make me happy. No dates- but all happened in the last couple months or so. I'm obviously not in the business of gaining readers and probably more so in the business of losing readers to this blog. So unless you're totally in love with my kids and care deeply about the Clark household, this post won't be all that exciting--but my kids one day will appreciate it.

• Julia playing in the north shade for some time looked at me and said, "My hands need to play in the sunshine and get warm. My fingers need sunshine." It was adorable.
• Kenzie finished writing something while riding in the backseat of the car. She looked up and said, "I just wrote something powerful." I was very curious to what could be so powerful...plus I giggled inside with her use of words. "I just wrote about forgiving Clayton for breaking my remote control car. Everything is going to be ok now." Forgiveness is POWERFUL. 
• Waking up Sunday morning to the smell of breakfast. Chay woke up all the kids and was feeding them breakfast and even had the Mormon Tabernacle Choir playing on the iPod. No, it wasn't a dream. 
• Chay holding 2 week old Samson in one arm and attempting to fix a motorcycle with the other. 
• Chay doing everything in his cooing power to make Samson smile. It is priceless. Samson's smile and Chay being Daddy. 
• Spending 4 hours at the children's museum The Tree House with the kids. We sat in the art garden for the majority of the time making and coloring books. There wasn't any rush to be anywhere and Samson was still in my belly. I could tell the girls were just loving the fact that mom was just as excited  to make a book as they were. I loved that day. 
• Daddy and Grandpa Tomblin swimming with the kids at the hotel pool. My dad was trying to catch them in the pool and they were giggling so hard despite how cold they were. Their bottom lips were all shivering. Childhood. Love it. 
• Julia congratulating Kenzie on her drawings, "wow, Kenzie is so good at drawing."
• Kenzie making a potion outside and being so excited about it. Metal bucket, water, soap, grass clippings, dirt, rocks. Xander helped of course.  
• Xander's wordless mumble prayers. hmmm mhhh mhmmmm hmmm it's funny  because his voice fluctuates exactly like someone praying with real words...hard to describe in writing. When he doesn't want to go to sleep, Xander's prayers will carry on forever- smarty smart. 
• I warm up rice bags for the kids at bedtime. Julia especially loves her rice bag. She is a sucker for soft blankies and anything warm and snugly. She keeps stealing Samson's silky blanket and always laughs when I discover her as the thief. 
• We went to the library one afternoon and ended up staying there forever. We played with all the "in house" games and educational toys for a long time. I don't remember the library being such a fun place when I was kid. They have really improved. Our favorite library is the downtown library which has more games and books- you have to walk through a cloud of cigarette smoke to enter the building and you pass at least 2 homeless people begging for money- but its a great cheap place for kids. I'm still looking to buy those cool magnet things we played with forever.
• All 3 kids still take a bath together once in awhile. Today was a warm spring day but warm still means 60 degree weather- well they were playing in the front yard with the hose believe it or not. They came in freezing and they all jumped in the hot bathtub. Squeezed tightly but they still fit- They loved all the bubbles and were making "moostaches" with the bubbles. Xander loves to play with his sisters. It's the cutest thing ever when he says "Ju Ju" 
• Went on a walk down by the river and found a trail that led to a sun dial. Some boy scout must have made it for his Eagle. It looked like an Eagle Project to me- it was really cool and Kenzie was intrigued. It really worked. 
• We have been park hopping lately. I am amazed at how many parks are in Utah. Everywhere. We decided to try a new one out that is kind of far from our house- close to the canyon. It was a cool place but punks had left graffiti on the toys. I caught Kenzie reading and sounding out the "F" word. She had no clue what that word even was. I calmly said, "You have never heard that word and guess what, it's a bad bad word...I wouldn't say it out loud if I were you." She was confused why someone would write a bad word and now she can't get it out of her head. I told her it would leave her head eventually. It did. The kids were exceptionally playful that day and they giggled and laughed so hard as they played some made up game on the slides. I love Kenzie and Julia's relationship- for the most part. They really were meant to be together on earth in their younger years. I know, I know- the worst has yet to come, but their personalities really mesh well. 
• Julia and Kenzie like to play a game in the car. One day while driving I heard Julia ask Kenzie if she wanted to play "that" game again. She said sure and then silence. I kept looking back at the girls and they were just staring out their windows saying nothing. "Are you going to play the game?" I asked. "We are mom, I just did a flip" said Kenzie. They pretend they're on a snowboard and they do jumps and tricks on the snowbanks and snow piles on the side of the road we are passing in the car. LOVE THAT!   
• Old Maid with the girls is hilarious. That game is really funny with dramatic personalities. It is seriously so funny when someone gets stuck with the old maid and even funnier as a mom to see the worst poker faces ever. We played a little Uno too...and lately it's been Memory. I know the box on Memory says its for 3 year olds but man, it's challenging for even me. Kenzie is a poor sport and she will cry when she doesn't find a match. Drama. One minute they are laughing and the next someone is crying. 
• Ju Ju is a coloring freak. She can color for hours. Really? You still want to color after all this time? 
• Kenzie is a little chef. She surprised me the other day with a salad- chopped romaine, chopped carrots, tomatoes, celery, crunched up tortilla chips with a little ranch and salsa. It was seriously so good. 
• Xander loves outside. He is always asking me to come outside and play with him. Sometimes I will just stop doing whatever I think needs to be done and I will push the kids on the tire swing. The iconic tire swing- a childhood embedded memory. Flying high in that thing will be a memory the kids will remember as a symbol of their "decent" childhood. I just know it. Dad can push them so high and it's just a good way to smile. Get on the tire swing and all your troubles go away. 
• Xander has this cute contagious smile and giggle. He loves Diego and Dora. I would too if I were a 2 year old. Dora can get Xander to talk more than I can. Go Dora. Que Buena! Xander doesn't say much of anything but he is so involved with what is going on around here. I need more one on one with that kid. He loves 2 books. Goldilocks and the Three Bears and this train car book called "I'm Fast". Everything depends on his mood so even the things he loves the most like singing nursery songs or reading books, he will refuse to do when his pride is eating him alive. Other than that he is great. :) He makes friends very easily. I remember being pregnant with Samson and Xander would run his cars up and down my big belly making his car noises. He would then kiss my belly (the baby) goodnight. He loves loves Samson and hasn't taken out any life-changing-frustrations on him. He is always asking to hold Samson.  
• Went to the Train Expo with the kids. Wow there are some crazy train lovers out there. People really like one thing that much? Julia loved the humongous lego display. It was really cool. Scenes from Lord of the Rings all in Legos. Awesome. Julia just kept staring and staring. She loves to build and create with Trios, Legos, and blocks. Engineer???
• Chay read the girls a barbie book tonight. Wow was he struggling. He kept saying in Portuguese how annoying the book was. 
• Kenzie will be baptized this December. We have a family goal to help Kenzie read the entire Book of Mormon before she gets baptized. We printed out a chart for her to mark. So far we aren't looking too hot at meeting our goal. We might have to bring the Book of Mormon with us in the car aaand to the store, the bathroom, swimming lessons. We are behind to say the least.  
•  Chay took Julia on a hike this morning with the Elders. It's a big hike- Waterfall Canyon. It is still April so Chay packed snow boots for Ju Ju. We will see how much Chay ends up carrying Julia...it will be an awesome work-out for Chay. I so wish I could have gone this morning. Newborn, coughing  kids and freezing temperatures with a steep incline up a mountain don't really mix. Someday, someday. 
• I asked Kenzie what she wanted to be when she grows up. She responded "A mother. I just want to hold babies all day." I validated her answer obviously but I threw in the importance of education and said, "what if your husband dies and you need to work for money to feed your kids?" She responded, "I will find a step dad real fast." Funny. 
• Julia's faith that prayers will always be answered. I catch her praying about everything. Lost crayons, toys, baby Samson, Kenzie at school, Xander's speech. Julia is a deep thinker and even though she appears to not be paying attention to scripture study- she is and she always has the most thought out answers to our questions about spiritual things. She has so much hope in the return of Christ- she gets almost upset that He hasn't come yet. When is Jesus going to get here!!!!? I know how you feel sweetheart. 

answered prayer

My house is almost quiet. 9:14 and the kids are finally winding down.

Besides Xander of course who has turned into the devil child...no seriously. Devil child. :)

Love him dearly but I have never experienced anything quite like this before. He isn't taking all of life's changes very well. Baby brother, bye bye binki, bye bye bedroom- slam slam slam and just like that he is a whole new kid. Mean, malicious, violent, screamer.

His tantrums have escalated to a new scary wow. I am trying to be patient yet consistent with him and doing all I can to not cave in to what he wants despite his screaming and kicking. I sit at the computer to avoid his screams and just pin random stuff to Pinterest trying to ignore his out-of-controlness. Xander won't let me hold him and console him- he will just throw punches or turn away but if I leave the room he screams even louder. So I just let him scream it out with him right next to me...I try to stay calm but my blood is boiling. I know I am stressed because I run my fingers through my bangs and hair on top of my head- that is what I do when I am tired and stressed.

Xander suddenly won't obey, won't stay close at the store. He refuses to do anything I suggest or say- reverse psychology worked really well for about a week until he caught on to what I was doing.

Xander refuses to sleep. His naptime yesterday was just an awful experience. He was so incredibly tired and I knew it. He becomes a 4:00-in-the-afternoon nightmare if he doesn't get a nap in. I understand that napping isn't easy without beloved binky but he needs to nap regardless. I didn't force him to sleep but I did force him to stay in his room. He ended up kicking me in the eye. After a hour and half of screaming stubborness he finally gave up and fell asleep. I was with him most of the time. I was so confused as to what to do. I just cried I felt so helpless and inexperienced. My heart ached for Xander. He is obviously going through some rough times as is his mother.

Neat Story: During one of Xander's outbreaks I broke down. I cried like a toddler, feeling so discouraged and confused that my biggest problem right at the moment was not a needy newborn but my two year old.

I prayed...to God but to my mom also hoping she could hear somehow-

I said "Mom, I miss you and I need your help. Please if it's possible help me or at least help calm my son somehow. I don't know what to do and I am going crazy."

Later that day I get a message on Facebook from one of my mom's best friends Melody. I haven't spoken with her for almost 2 1/2 years. She wrote, "April, had a lady come in to make a cake order today with her daughter. The mother reminded me of your mother so much I got teary eyed. I miss my friend! I'm sure you miss her terribly. I wanted to come see you today but ran out of time. I thought maybe your mother wanted me to say hello or give you a hug!"

I guess everything is going to be ok- has to be after experiencing that neat tender mercy. WOW. My heart skipped when I read her message. Prayer was heard, prayer was answered. It's all going to be ok somehow.

For the record, Xander was remarkably better today- no meltdowns from him or me. Progress.

Xander with his favorite thing in the world- "the B"...and now no more. I miss it almost as much as he does.

church callings

Daddy and Xander splash pad 2012

Chay has been teaching the 9 and 10 year old kids at church for the past year and half...maybe longer. He was released from that calling a couple weeks ago.

He is a wonderful teacher and took his calling to teach them very seriously. Every Sunday morning he was looking around the house for some kind of prop to use as an object lesson to teach his kids about the gospel. He had very good control of the class which is hard to do being the majority of his students were rambunctious boys but he claims the girls can be just as noisy.

I have sat in a couple of his lessons and he really knows how to engage the kids. He helps them learn principles in a fun way. He asks really good questions and he knows how to keep the kids laughing yet learning at the same time. He is amazing.

A couple months ago it was fast and testimony Sunday and he challenged his class to share their testimony in Sacrament Meeting. Almost all of the kids in his class got up to share their testimony. He is a powerful influence to those kids.

Chay is now in the Elder's quorum presidency. He still visits his primary class for a few seconds every Sunday. He pokes his head in the classroom and says hello. They tell him they miss him all the time. Yesterday at church he brought them all candy. Chay really loves those kids. That's what happens when you serve.

He home teaches a couple families with little children and he is so good at including the kids when he teaches the lesson to the families.

Just thought I would write this down- something wonderful to know about Chay.

I was released from my calling as well last week. I have been teaching Sunday School Gospel Doctrine for the past 3 1/2 years. It has been a really fun challenging calling for me and I have grown to love the people in my class. When I first got the calling I would cry almost every Sunday after I taught. It was so hard. It got a little easier as time went by but then again...not really. I just kept on trying to trust that God would qualify me for the job. I just kept on trying to do my best. I really did witness a lot of miracles teaching that class.

But I will admit it felt pretty good on Sunday to wake up in the morning and have nothing to worry about besides getting the family ready for church- which is stressful enough.   

I can make bread

So it's a miracle and basically the equivalent of running a marathon.

I can make bread.

Ok back story- because I love back story... so Vera was my old widow neighbor friend. She lost her husband in the 80's. Her only daughter and grandchildren live in Georgia. I noticed right away how this old lady wasn't letting her age stop her from anything. She mowed her own lawn and changed her own oil. She had an immaculate yard and kept her lawn perfectly green without a sprinkler system. She would come outside every 2 hours and move her hose and sprinkler around. She never had one dead dry spot anywhere on her lawn.

I loved Vera. She was so articulate with her words when she spoke. The girls and I would go over to her house ever so often and bring her dinner or just talk to her when she was outside on her bench. The first time I went to visit her she quickly invited us in. I told her I felt impressed to come visit. She looked at me and said, "Funny you mention that- I was just on my knees praying and contemplating what to do with my life, I'm so lonely you know, and here you are." It was fun visiting with her. She was a scripture scholar and at one time was an amazing gospel doctrine teacher. She was legally blind by the time she turned 80 so on her table were her scriptures and a huge magnifying glass. She was an avid reader despite her eyesight.

Vera died last spring. Her daughter was cleaning out the house and I came over to visit and tell her daughter how much I loved Vera. Sharon, Vera's daughter told me I could have anything I wanted in the house because she couldn't take anything home to Georgia with her. There on the kitchen counter was a kitchen aid mixer. "Can I have the mixer? Oh my gosh I promise I will try to make homemade bread with it." Sharon just laughed. "Take it."

Ok, long introduction to my making bread- but I just love that my kitchen aid is Vera's...and that it was free. Added bonus.

In the last month or so I have attempted to make homemade bread. Loaf after loaf and every attempt was just wrong. My bread wouldn't rise, it was harder than rock, too heavy, tasted bitter, soggy, too heavy for my mixer to knead. The best part is that Julia would be sitting at the table and watch me every day struggle over this homemade bread dilemma. She would ask the funniest questions, "Mom, is your bread going to look scary like it did yesterday?" Or "Are you trying again Mom?"  every day Chay would come home to some "science project" homemade bread. Is it really this hard? I so wish I could call my mom and get the scoop on making bread. My mom's bread was delicious and I only remember eating it and never once making it. My mom was a domestic queen but she didn't like her children in the kitchen believe it or not. We would cut up vegetables to help her out ever so often but the big stuff was left for her to perfect. She loved to bake, that woman.

Well after Tiffani, my sister in law, suggested her favorite bread recipe which is found in a book she gave me a few years back, I decided to give it another try. The book is called Set for Life. The Bread Gods must be happy with me, because after so many attempts finally I can make delicious yummy perfect 100% whole wheat bread. I used some tricks mentioned in the book with little tweaks and oh my gosh, seriously, amazing soft fluffy moist bread. So amazing I can't stop eating it. I cut myself a slice and eat it. It's so good and I can't believe I made it, so I eat another piece to make sure it's as good as the last piece. Yep April it's just as good as the last piece. It's the real deal. Julia of course has been with me through it all and so now I have convinced her that because of her my bread is turning out so good. She's good luck. She always tells me when I start making it, "Mom, you're going to make the best bread ever...because I am here."

The recipe!!! Perfect 2 loaf recipe for a kitchen Aid mixer. Kitchen Aids are not Bosches- so the batches have to be small or or your dough will climb out of the bowl when kneading.

In mixer bowl mix together:

3 cups whole wheat flour
1 TB yeast
1/4 cup gluten
2 TB dough enhancer
6 TB powdered milk

Add:

2 TB lemon juice
2 cups hot water
* cover bowl with rag and let it sponge for 10 minutes

Turn on oven to 170 degrees

Add:

3 TB honey
3 TB oil
2 tsp salt

Turn on mixer with dough hook
Add 3 more cups whole wheat flour and let machine knead dough for 10 minutes

Divide dough into 2 equal balls, form into 2 loaves and place in greased bread pans

Place the bread pans with loaves in the oven covered with rag and turn off your oven. Let them rise to almost double- about 25 minutes.

Take off rag and leave them in the oven. Do not take them out. Set your oven to bake 350 degrees and set your timer for 33-35 minutes. When the timer goes off, your bread is done. Take it out of the pans immediately and let them cool on cookie rack... and just like that, you will be a bread super star.

binky

Big dentist appointment for the kids- zero cavities!!! They must all have Chay's teeth. I was so happy for them. I love love our pediatric dentist. Xander did amazing which surprised me. He had tons of support from Kenzie during the X-rays and so he was happy go lucky the whole time. Kenzie is a gem to have around when it comes to dealing with Xander's anxieties. Julia was just adorable all around talking and asking a million questions to the hygienists and dentist. She was exited all day to go and even wore a pretty necklace hoping someone in the office would notice. The cute boy dental hygienist noticed. 

We have been sort of prepping Xander lately for the big binky bye bye. We weren't exactly sure when but knew it was coming.

Today the dentist told me it had to go as soon as possible. I made sure the dentist himself told Xander so he could be the bad guy and not me.

Xander knew exactly what happened today at the dentist. He knew his binky, his best friend, his number one source for comfort was gone for good. He kept saying "no" at the dentist. I was so sad for him.

He cried non stop at Costco and in the car. He wanted his B even more because he knew he couldn't have it. Kind of like going on a diet and suddenly wanting chocolate because you know you can't. I continued to explain to him why he couldn't have his pacifier anymore. I was trying to be super kind and super attentive. I worked overtime to make him giggle. I held him as much as I could at Costco reassuring him everything's going to be ok.

Xander and I were both worried at bedtime about the binky being gone. He got into his bed and made the saddest face on earth. He was brave and didn't cry. I was so sad for him because I know how much he loves that thing. He started to whimper just a little and I asked if he wanted Dad to give him a blessing to help him sleep without his binky. He nodded, sat up in bed, bowed his head, and folded his arms. Chay and I start to cry. We just love that kid, you know? Chay blessed him that he would feel loved and comforted. He blessed him that he would learn how to talk soon as well. After the blessing I lay down with Xander and only a few shuffles and turns and...sleep. He fell asleep!!! Thank you Heavenly Father for that little gift tonight. I know the night is not over and it could get interesting as the night moves on...but still, Xander fell asleep. We know it's at least possible the boy can sleep without a binky. :)

Chay opened up to me tonight how stressed he is about life. He shared all his concerns and worries with me. He tries not to get discouraged but he has had some disappointing blows in the past couple years that leave him confused about what to do. I just love him so much that my heart just aches for him and for the load he carries. He is a wonderful person. He loves his family. He wants to succeed and provide a good life for his children. Tonight as I watched Chay place his hands on his son's head and give him a blessing over a silly binky, I knew and felt what real happiness is. I love and cherish the memories we are building as a family in our simple home. I love how the gospel of Jesus Christ can make anyone and any family happy despite their circumstances.

We will see how "happy" this little guy is tomorrow- day 2 without beloved Binky...or how "happy" mommy and daddy are on day 2 without beloved Binky.

best friends

Julia is suddenly interested in making friends. She is starting to understand that there could be meaningful people in her life besides her family. She loves to listen to Kenzie's "school friends" stories and she is intrigued.

The other day at the park she saw some kids around 10 or 11 years old. She must have gathered the strength on her own to go up to the kids and ask to play with them. I just watched the whole thing play out from a distance. Luckily the kids were nice enough to where she didn't get her feelings hurt. (Julia can be very sensitive.) Julia came running up to me afterwards and said happily, "I made friends." It was cute but I knew they were slightly old for her...but whatever. I was happy for her confidence.

That night she expressed to me that she wanted to make friends. I reminded her that she already has friends from church and the neighborhood and that making friends isn't as hard as she thinks it is.

I always tell the girls that no matter what friends we make in this life the two of them must be best friends. Sorry, no excuses. Best Friends. I won't have it any other way. Julia and Kenzie BFF's.

The next day we went to the park again. A little girl came up to Julia and asked her what her name was. Julia's face lit up. I loved watching this unfold. "I'm Julia" The girl then said, "That's a pretty name. Do you want to play with me?" Julia then said, "sure, what's your name?" "Chloe" Just like that, Julia made a friend...and off they went.

Kenzie who is miss socialite has never worried me if she would make friends or not. All of her quarter report cards from her teacher praise Kenzie for her social skills and for being everyone's friend. I always knew that about Kenzie and that is one of the reasons why I didn't want to homeschool her- because she thrives off of being social and meeting new people. She loves activities where many people are involved.

Kenzie noticed Julia playing with another girl and Kenzie wanted to join the fun but it was obvious Julia and her new friend didn't want anything to do with Kenzie. Kenzie's feelings were hurt and she came running to me in total shock that Julia would rather play with another girl than her. I waited for it to boil over and it didn't really. Kenzie felt like she lost her best friend and made sure Julia knew it. Julia then starts to apologize to Kenzie in the car for playing with someone else. I didn't like Julia apologizing for this...So the drama begins and they are only 5 & 7.

After the park I went down in the laundry room. As I folded towels I called to Kenzie to come help me. I told her that she needed to be happy for Julia and to not make her feel bad for making a new friend. Kenzie had no idea how big of a deal today at the park was for Julia. Kenzie makes friends easily so it was hard to for her to understand. I explained she needed to somehow tell Julia she was happy for her even though her feelings were hurt. Kenzie felt validated for having hurt feelings but her eyes were opened to how Julia was feeling.

Kenzie drew a picture of her and Julia holding hands. She said, "Good job on making friends Julia" and gave her the picture. They hugged it out. Best Friends again....

Now, if and when something like this happens again between the two girls 6 years from now, I am "hoping" the humility, forgiveness, and understanding will still be there. Ha! crossing fingers

drama drama please help mama

I am writing this simple story down so I could possibly use it in the future, if you know what I mean.

   

choice

6 weeks. I seem to understand my life better when my baby is around 6 weeks old. The first 6 weeks is just not a good time for me. The first 2 weeks are the absolute worse but 6 weeks rolls around and it seems to be the magic amount of time for me to somehow move forward.

One thing I have learned is to not write about my experience while I am going through it- because I can sound like a real drag. And yes, even though having a newborn can be a physical drag- it is absolutely wonderful as well.

I am enjoying little Samson so much. He is just so so adorable to me. He smells so yummy and I can't get enough of his little noises. His soft warm skin and little hands wrapped around my fingers...Wow, that horrific pregnancy was so well worth it. The number the pregnancy did to my body- and still all worth it.

I don't think I'm one that deals with post partum depression. I don't think so because even though I go through a really rough time after having a newborn, I know that ultimately I have a choice on how I deal with life at the moment- where I know there are some new mothers who literally can't climb out of the darkness on their own.


Arlene. Arlene was my favorite church teacher of all time. She taught institute and she was also a dear friend of my mother. She taught my mom a vital lesson one time and then my mom taught me the same lesson. Arlene told my mother one day, "When I am sad and feeling miserable, I give myself a certain allotted time- usually three days to feel really sorry for myself. I will cry, eat brownies, and sulk around the house. But when the three days are up, it is time to move on and get over it."

Three days wasn't exactly long enough for me but maybe 6 weeks could be...

Lesson learned: for some reason my body decided to go absolutely crazy after giving birth to Samson. My skin on my belly and all the way down to my feet went numb. I kept getting all these infections I couldn't kick on my own. Then came pain. Tender mercy from above- my baby sleeps a good 6 hours at night. When I would wake up in the morning my body felt like it was on fire. My skin felt badly chapped  with pins and needle pokies all over and I could barely walk without shoots of pain shocking me with every step. I think I know what severe all over body arthritis feels like. I knew it was my MS but since I really try to ignore that I even had that diagnosis, I am always so surprised when my body takes me for spin like this. Now as a mother of 4 I can't just stop despite how I feel...I tell myself over and over, "I can still walk and I can still see" (high percentage of MS lose eyesight). I can't just lay down in bed all day hoping to feel better the next day. I still have to chase my 2 year old around, get my 7 year old off to school, make breakfast, make lunch, dinner, change diapers, clean up spills, do laundry so there are clothes to wear, nurse a baby 7 times a day- and that's just the minimum.

So here I am. All these women around me are pursuing all these "extras" in their lives to contribute more to the household income or chasing a hobby as an outlet to mothering. Some are amazing photographers or learning to be one (something I would love), or they are ultra creative and sell their stuff on Etsy, some decorate cakes, realtors, or marathon runners (don't envy the running part), or some women have jobs they find fulfilling- and then there is me on bad days and my body can only do so much and perspective is shoved quickly into my face and I have to literally choose to focus on what is the most important. Everything else goes out the door- real fast.

2 choices: 1. feel sorry for myself and lay on the couch all day (trust me, I have those days) 2. focus on what I can do and focus on what's the most important.

I find myself saying, "If anything I can at least read a book to Julia." or "I can sit down and color with the kids." I can do those things. I have to talk myself into doing the simplest tasks- most valuable tasks- my hurting seems to direct my attention to the one thing I know has the most value, a mother. "I can ask Kenzie to help me make dinner" "I know I can give lot's of kisses right now to Xander." "I can praise Kenzie for her song on the piano." "I can build a castle out of the Trios with Xander." When you can't do it all and can do only a little, you do what matters. This I have learned.

The days have been beautiful lately- perfect spring weather. Sunny spring days like these don't happen very often so no matter what, we go to the park. The park we always end up going to has a 1/2 mile path around it. On this particular day I was in so much pain the tips of my ears even hurt. Everything was throbbing but I was so happy to see the kids play play play in the sun. Kenzie and Xander ran right to the volleyball sand with their shovels and buckets. Julia who doesn't like sand in her shoes wanted to go on a walk with me around the path. How could I turn down such an offer? I was hoping to never get up off the park bench where I could just watch the kids and ignore the pain...but Julia looking at me with those dark eyes, I couldn't resist. "I can walk a 1/2 mile with Julia."

I told her I couldn't go fast. "That's ok Mommy, we'll walk slow together." With Julia's hand on top of mine, we push the stroller and walk together around the path. We had a great conversation and because of the "extra" time we had due to our speed, I was able to answer so many of Julia's questions. It was a priceless time together I will always treasure.

Today I am feeling better. I feel completely different which is why this disease is so frustrating. I don't want to deal with this anymore. There has got to be an answer- something more than what I am already doing to help how I feel at times. I have a choice here...

anyway, better get going on the day- today is Chay's birthday. He is 32. Love that man.

Samson Taylor Clark

Sunday night on February 3rd I decided to be irresponsible and watch a documentary that didn't get over until midnight. The documentary was on entrepreneurship and about these people from all over the world who came to the United States to chase the American Dream. I dragged my big body into bed and tried to tell half asleep Chay all about the documentary. He tried with all his effort, bless his heart, to listen to me ramble about entrepreneurs but he is just too sleepy. We both drift off into dreamland. One and a half hours later my eyes pop open due to an all too familiar pain. A contraction.

I was so excited yet so afraid of the long long night/day ahead of me. I get out of bed an hour later after many sleep attempts fail miserably. My contractions were not close together but they were painful enough that I couldn't sleep very well. I go to the bathroom because that is what pregnant ladies do at night. Well come to find out I was bleeding. I call my doctor and I woke him up from a deep deep sleep. He sounded drunk to be honest and he was mumbling horribly but he did manage to tell me to go the hospital and make sure everything was ok. 

It was now 2:30 AM. I call my forever sweet neighbor Cynthia who is a miracle in my life. She answered the phone so chirpy. She has been anticipating this very phone call for a couple weeks now and she was ready. She would be over in 15 minutes to stay with the kids. Cynthia was more ready than I was...I was walking around the house trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. Between contractions I try to pack a bag but my mind was gone. I did manage to remember my phone charger and a change of clothes for me and my toothbrush but everything else important that didn't get packed was very much missed 12 hours from then.

By the time I pack sort of and Cynthia is comfortable on the couch, Xander wakes up. His senses just knew something was up. He started to freak out moments before us leaving for the hospital. We then had to wake up Kenzie, who is a natural peacemaker and comforter to Xander. She was excited Mommy was having a baby and so she went into extra mother mode and took over in the "Xander" department. He went into instant ease with her around and Chay and I were able to leave the house knowing Xander would be ok. Our sweet Mckenzie. She is still so young and yet she is already very willingly taking on the oldest sibling responsibilities. Kenzie, Xander, and Cynthia turned on Netflix around 3ish in the morning and Chay and I left to go have a baby boy. 

The hospital is luckily only 5 minutes away. The contractions intensified dramatically in those little 5 minutes. Chay dropped me off at an entrance and he went to go park. Well it was an entrance that is closed and locked after hours but there happened to be a nurse who walked by and saw me, an agonizing pregnant lady in labor, trying to get in the doors. The nurse quickly put me in a wheelchair and up I went to labor and delivery. 

We arrived at the hospital around 3:30 and the contractions were suddenly out of control painful. The hospital makes everything hurt worse. I was tired and weak and I had no desire to take on the birth journey without an epidural. I already did that twice in my life and right then in the painful moments of each contraction, I literally begged for the anesthesiologist, bewildered that I actually wanted to go natural at an earlier time in my life. So weird how things change. I was starting to get mad that the anesthesiologist was busy helping some other girl in labor. I was being irrational. 

By the time my bottom half was numb and I was smiling again because the epidural kicked in, I was pushing 9 centimeters- 30 minutes later, beautiful baby enters the world and just like that...just like that. He is here. 

4:45 Monday morning- the quickest labor of mine by far...

They hand Samson to me all bloody and covered in white stuff. Skin to skin and I am in tears...he is perfect. He is screaming and I am smiling. They eventually take him off of me and weigh him. 9 pounds and 6 ounces. He is 22 inches long. He finally calms down and he starts to make this low humming sound. He hums for the next 8 hours! So funny...so funny I make sure they take him to the nursery after a little while so I could sleep. 

He was so loud. Adorable but loud.

Chay left so Cynthia could return to her family and to take Kenzie to school. She was on a new baby rush- she had been up since 3 in the morning but wanted to go to school and tell the world she had a new baby brother. I spent the day alone and slept when I could and held my new baby as much as possible. 

I kept getting asked from hospital staff what the name of our new son was. I didn't know. Chay was busy with kids at home and so I spent most of my stay alone. I decided to go home early from the hospital. My bed was so uncomfortable. Plus my brother and wife were dropping off my nephew Taylor at the MTC and were spending the night at my house. They were coming from North Idaho. I really wanted to see them and be there. As I was packing up to leave the hospital, Chay and I quickly decided to name our boy Samson. It sounded good. I then gave him the middle name Taylor after my amazing nephew Taylor. He was set apart as a missionary the day Samson was born. Taylor is the oldest child of the oldest sibling (Keith) and Samson is the youngest of the youngest (Me). They are 19 years apart. When Taylor hugged his mother goodbye at the MTC in Provo he said, "I promise to return in honor Mom." And that is why Samson was given the middle name Taylor. Powerhouse! 

Samson is now 4 weeks old. The horrid first few weeks are behind me now and so now I can truly say I am enjoying having a new little baby. Jaundice, cracked nipples, mastitis, healing- almost all behind me. Chay's mom came for a week and her little visit was so needed. She brought food and she cleaned like crazy- she spent time with Julia and took Kenzie to school and picked her up. She made dinner. It was so touching to see her give so much of her time. I know she is one busy lady and to devote a week for me and the family meant a lot to me. That woman never stops I swear. 

We were also served dinner by so many in the ward and family. People kept bringing dinners over...it was so nice and kind. There are so many wonderful people in my life. I am lucky lucky.   

 I am completely smitten by this little baby. I am enjoying him so much more than I normally remember when having a newborn. His little noises and soft warm smelly skin. The cute facial expressions and the quick movements of hands and feet. Oh so precious and perfect. I am a lot more calm now than I was with my first couple. Little cries don't bother me and I know how to soothe and comfort better than I did. I can tell the difference between gas, hunger, and tired. I love to snuggle with him in bed and fall asleep together. It's a wonderful time to slow down and hold a baby for the bigger portion of the day and to just soak it all in. Nothing is getting accomplished around the house much and I am so so tired of course...but it's all just a wonderful thing. Eventually I will have to start getting on some sort of routine...you know, like get dressed and out of my pajamas...but until then I will just focus on this right now in my life. 

It is so sweet to see Chay with baby Samson. The other night I was laying in bed asleep with Samson but Samson was wide awake. Chay comes in and notices the situation. He picks up Samson and takes him into the other room waking me up just enough to tell me he's going to hang out with the baby- keep him company since he's wide awake. 

Xander is crazy right now. He doesn't show any anger towards the baby and is in fact really sweet towards Samson- but he's just out of control and super emotional when it comes to anything else. He is difficult but I swear, he's such a great kid besides his tantrums and stubbornness...he is somehow solid- half of his frustrations are with himself because he can't talk and he wants to communicate so badly. We hardly understand him and it must be so hard for him. I actually remember feeling this way my first couple months in Brasil.    

 So bittersweet this time in my life...love the new addition to the family yet I feel super anxious with life's new changes. But all that can be in another post...I want to be positive for the moment. I seriously feel so blessed right now.

      

prayer

Marne posted this quote on instagram. It kind of really hit home and I needed to read it.  

today

I know people have way worse circumstances than me. I was thinking that this morning as I told Chay "I feel like I am living a nightmare". Then I realized that my nightmare would be considered a dream come true to some people's lives. I was then reminded of how good I really do have it.

I just hurt really bad. I am not sleeping at all and my body really hurts. I am so tired and yet I feel like the demands of motherhood and being a wife are more than ever. I imagine being super energetic and being on top of everything and making sure my kids get ready for the day, and the house gets cleaned up, and I have the desire to read and play with the kids...but no, even the simplest tasks seem impossible.

Putting on jeans is hard enough.

I cried this morning at the thought of getting out of bed, walking up the stairs, packing Kenzie's lunch, making her breakfast, motivating her to get ready, feeding the other kids, get them all in the car by 7:38 so we can make it on time to Kenzie's school. Seriously a task as simple as that brought me to tears. I am officially losing it.

Kenzie is so playful and la-la that she just doesn't understand the concept of time. She will start to do her hair and then she will play in front of the mirror and then she will see the kitty and forget she is doing her hair and start chasing the cat around the room. I am of course worried about getting out the door in time so I am constantly nudging her to stay focused. Almost every morning there is a small battle about priorities and staying focused. The thing is- I love her flighty "ness" and I think it is very child like and she is just a child...so it makes me sad that I have to tell her to stop being a child so she can grow up and be responsible. But she must learn sometime...

Chay offered to take Kenzie to school this morning after my crying spell. I was so relieved but then again sad I won't be able to walk her into school and give my big girl a hug. She and I will be ok.

I googled how to start labor naturally last night at midnight...I think there are truths everywhere so there has to be some validity when several sources recommend taking the herb Evening Primrose- so I don't know, maybe I will stop by the health store and see what they say. I am desperate. I have never been so uncomfortable in all my pregnancies. The doctor told me the baby was weighing 8lbs 14 oz according to his measurements and I supposedly have 3 more weeks to go.

I snapped at a lady at church on Sunday. She is this older lady who never married and she has a great attitude about life but she can be so verbal about things she has no clue about. She is constantly saying things to me about my appearance and my pregnancy that I finally had enough. She came up to me and started telling me how awkward I was carrying my baby and that I was especially wide. Nice. Then a few minutes later she told me how tired and exhausted I look. I finally said, "Kathy, you always have something nice to say don't you? You haven't seen my feet yet have you? Why don't you tell me how big my ankles are too because I don't know that about myself either." I think I surprised her but I just wasn't in the mood. She apologized and I warned her not to mess with 9 month irritable pregnant ladies- we can be vicious.

Chay taught a quick lesson last night for Family Home Evening...well it was more like a story during dinner time but we counted it as Family Home Evening because we're all just trying to stay afloat around here. His story was about how Heavenly Father answers our prayers. He talked about a man who was stuck in his house during a hurricane. He prayed that God would help him so he went outside and got on his car because the water was rising. A couple men on a boat came by and offered to rescue him and the man refused saying he was waiting for God to help him. Then the man got back into his house and went on the roof and a helicopter came and offered to rescue him but the man refused again because he said God was going to help him. Well, the man eventually drowned and died in the hurricane. Chay explained that God answers our prayers in many ways, but one of the ways is through other people. It was a great story for the kids. Julia's eyes were fixated on Chay. She was very intrigued.

With Chay's story in mind, I am thankful for the small acts of service my dear friends have done for us. Small answers to prayers- Gary our neighbor brought over a big bag of honey crisp apples for me the other day. His kind words, "I remember you saying once your favorite apple was Honey Crisps." Cynthia brought me homemade foot scrub (which I intend on using once I can reach my feet again without falling over) and a whole wheat bread mix and recipe. Tami invited us over for dinner and I just sat on her couch and did nothing and it felt so good to be served. Tara brought over pumpkin chocolate bread. Chay's mom has been ever so generous and helping out a ton in her non-spotlight ways. She is a great example to me. I am thankful for all the mindful people who have been inspired from on high to show little acts of love towards me and my family.

Now if any of my friends and family know how to make me go into labor today, that would be the ultimate act of love and service...and answer to prayer. :)

flu you

We are at the tail-end of all having the dreadful flu. Chay had it the worst and he was the only one who got a flu shot. Go figure. That flu shot is such a joke.

Well I was sort of freaking out about my life because we were dead to the wind and sicker than dogs and the house was starting to go under. It was pretty much disgusting and I knew there was a possibility I could go into labor and what a nightmare to be sick and have a baby at the same time. I was fortunate enough or the least fortunate to be the only one who didn't seem to be as severe as the rest. Therefore I was counted on to take care of everyone, including Daddy- which overwhelmed me because of all the pain I am dealing with being 9 months pregnant.

All the crying, coughing, cleaning up puke, ear drops, the fevers, getting up several times a night to tend kids was almost insane...plus it's like 10 degrees outside and the "inversion" is so thick and nasty that there was literally no place for us to go. (little thing about Utah that I'm not a big fan of.. the air quality in the winter). So we were left to look at each other with our watery scratchy eyes and red noses. Thank you Netflix for saving us on those long long sick days.

Kenzie in the background cracks me up. Here is a classic picture of how we felt a couple days ago. Everyone was so miserable. 

Chay swears by the remedy of taking hot baths when he is sick. He would take 3-4 a day and insisted the kids did the same. Everyone had the chills so bad, the bath felt amazing. I am sure our gas and water bill will be amazing as well.

So now that we are somewhat feeling better besides the lingering cough and all that lovely mucus, I am faced with the reality that I might have a child any day and "nesting" comes into play big time.

Today we spent the entire day deep cleaning everything. Every sheet, blanket, pillowcase, mattress cover- all in the wash. I got down on my knees and cleaned my kitchen floor if you can believe it. Chay and Xander cleaned and disinfected the bathrooms and Julia and Kenzie were awesome with dusting and picking up...Kenzie insisted she vacuum the the baseboards and so I let her...probably something I will have to re-do when she is at school. But bless her heart...

Julia worked forever wiping our railing and banister that goes downstairs. It gets so gross with sticky finger prints and since I love white woodwork I guess I better love cleaning it as well. Julia is my best worker. She complains like normal but once she gets in the groove she does not stop until the job is well done.

About a month ago I asked Julia to vacuum out the bathroom and she spent seriously 20 minutes vacuuming a 3X4 foot bathroom. She worked so hard.

Now I am wasted. My big body is tired and super achy from working all morning...

I just want to have this baby. I want to have this baby. I want to have this baby. I want to have this baby today.

I have never been so excited to feel contractions in my life. Bring on the bolting pain...I am ready for the next chapter. I am so so ready.

quotes I love

Here are 2 quotes I love--so on the blog they go. 

my 7 year old

A few weeks ago only days after the Newtown, Conneticut shooting, I decided to visit Kenzie's first grade class. I went to lunch with Kenzie, and then to the library with her, and then finally to her class Christmas party. I was honestly so traumatized by that school shooting. It really hit home being that I have a first grader and it was first graders who were killed. I felt so much sympathy for those parents- knowing how adorable and precious my first grader is, I could understand what and who they had lost.
Visiting Kenzie's class was pure joy yet I got choked up a little here and there as I observed the liveliness and excitement in those little faces and imagined the unbearable loss of 20 first graders at Sandy Hook Elementary.
What a fun age, first graders are. I love how these kids still find joy in almost everything. They love stories, cheesy jokes, coloring, sparkles, animals, Christmas lights, singing songs, dancing,  jump roping, playing chase--and they love to talk and express themselves and they giggle often.

I really love Kenzie's stage in life right now. Her vocab is expanding daily and she is able to communicate in ways never imagined just 1 year ago. She can read and is learning the piano. She loves to sit down at the piano and figure out melodies of songs she knows by messing around and playing by ear.

Here she is at her first recital. She did a beautiful job. She is very graceful and natural as she plays. She learned to play a two hand song "Jingle Bells" and also the primary song "Picture a Christmas".

I just really like her hair in this picture. She watched me do this to mine several times with a pencil and she figured it out. 

But besides all the normal but exciting milestones of a 7 year old, I just love the little lady Kenzie has become or who she just is.

She got in the car the other day and started to cry. She said quickly, "I think I might have cheated on a test, I don't know, but I know I don't feel right. Can you help me pray and ask for forgiveness Mom? I need you to  help me Mom." Of course I asked her a million more questions after that and I could tell her heart was so heavy. We went and talked to the teacher the next day and it was more of a misunderstanding than anything but it was a big sincere sorrowful moment for her. Her prayer to Heavenly Father was the sweetest thing ever despite her many tears. Afterwards she said she felt so much better...
I was sort of happy in a twisted way that she had to ask for forgiveness because she was able to have such an awesome experience in repentance. A great way to teach her about our constant need of the Savior.



A while back, Kenzie used to get into the car after school with a sour sour attitude. She was instantly mad at Julia for something and fighting would always start. I knew she was probably hungry and tired from such a long day and I try to take that into consideration but bad behavior is bad behavior. I was very upset one day at the way she was acting and I let her know. I didn't think my way of letting her know was very effective and I probably should have cooled down first before I expressed how upset it makes me when she gets in the car and starts fighting with her sister. I finally said this to her, "I know you are tired, I am sure your feelings were hurt today or you were confused about something you were learning--but that gives you no right to act like a brat to your sister." (I know, harsh) I was having a bad day too. The next few days Kenzie was surprisingly kind and patient with Julia when we picked her up from school. I finally said, "Wow, Kenzie, you are such a joy to be around. I can tell you are nicer. What happened?" Her response, "I asked Heavenly Father in my prayers if he could help me be nicer to Ju Ju in the car when you pick me up from school." In moments like these when you find out your child is praying all on her own to help her become better, a parent couldn't be more grateful and more at peace about raising children...even if it's just a small moment...because I am sure Kenzie fought with Julia over who got the pink cup that night for dinner--but I will treasure that small moment.

What I also treasure about Kenzie that will definitely fade with age and so I therefore take every opportunity I can to enjoy it- she loves to have me close and to have me around. She wants me to walk her to her classroom everyday and she won't say goodbye until we give each other a kiss. She still loves to snuggle and hold hands as if she was still 3. I am pretty sure her love language is "physical touch". Boys stay away- because she melts with a hug, I can only imagine what a kiss will do. :)

On that note, Kenzie is adored and loved by the boys in her classroom. She has a very fun, flighty, giggly, and contagious personality. She is not shy and... bias mother here- absolutely adorable. Her teacher has expressed concern since the boys chase her at recess and fight over her. One boy gave her a ring and she gets letters all the time from boys asking her to marry them. A mother of one of the boys "Christian" told me "My son thinks your Kenzie is the most beautiful girl in the world and has eyes of an angel." So funny. She came home and told me she told one of the boys that he had to be a better student and not get in trouble in class if he wants to marry her. Way to pull them up to your standard Kenzie!

Xander's face is classic in this picture. 

I felt impressed to write down these little thoughts about Mckenzie. I think she will treasure them one day. I am fully aware that life's experiences can change people and children are all pure beautiful spirits- but I am really loving my 7 year old right now. I love all the new changes happening in her life and seeing a fun personality emerge. I can see glimpses of who she will be one day. I wish children could stay little forever, but Kenzie is proving that growing up is equally as exciting to a mother. I love you Kenzie.

Kenzie and Chancho

35 weeks pregnant

  

Can you believe I threw up last night? Morning sickness only sort of went away.

Here I am 35 weeks pregnant and I am miserable. Grateful to be having a baby, I think. :)

I am actually scared to death to have 4 children. I adore children and I have my perks but the everyday responsibility to raise happy healthy spiritually confident children literally stresses me out on most days and I feel utterly exhausted with the demands of motherhood. Maybe it is my health at the moment but I just don't think I have it in me to have a newborn right now. I am scared of breastfeeding, all nighters, and dealing with a jealous non talking stubborn 2 year old toddler.

...and Julia who is so so so text book middle child it's unbelievable.

I am scared of taking 4 children to Kenzie's school every morning in the cold and waking up the crew at 6:30 for scripture study when I've been up all night with a baby. The simplest tasks seem overwhelming right now being huge and pregnant. Meal planning, making dinner, cleaning the bathroom, making Kenzie's lunches, Kenzie's homework...I am just really tired and my brain is foggy. I literally survive each day it feels...and nights- The aches and pains of night time- the interrupted sleep with hips, butt and crotch aches when I shift from one side to the other all night- makes me fear bedtime. I sit on the couch and watch re-runs of Friends and The Office at night until Chay is about to collapse. He begs me to come to sleep but I want to avoid sleep because I know it will be a rough night's sleep...even though I usually fall asleep in 2.2 seconds once my head hits the pillow.

This is a really bad mom confession, but I am so thankful for modern technology...I am so thankful for good quality movies and TV programs for my children to watch when I just don't feel like being a pro-active mom.

ahhhh. Life. It is great. I know it is. I am just anxiously awaiting for this phase in my life to be over. I hate what pregnancy does to me. I hear mothers saying their "hell" would be potty training for eternity- mine would be being pregnant.

Ok, Ok, it has its lovely moments- like when Xander rambles and tries to talk to my belly. The other day he was driving his cars all over my stomach saying "b-y". He will kiss my belly and Julia will randomly come up to me and hug my belly. Everyone is waiting for this little kid to enter the world...and there is excitement to be felt.

I went through baby clothes the other day and I seriously can't wait to hold a newborn and to feel his heavenly whatever. You know, perfectness.

I need a name. Again we are clueless about names for this little boy. I am not one to make names sentimental or meaningful. I guess Julia has my mom's middle name and Xander is Xander Chay...but I don't care to name my kids after ancestors who I don't know personally...

I met a girl named Chasity once and I cringed at the thought the pressure that name must have on her. I know a Charity. The name fits her perfectly but we had a conversation once if she felt she had to be extra charitable because of her name and she admitted there is some truth to that. Then there are scripture names...which I think are inspiring but I know 2 crazy "Almas".  Jonah is a cool name but he feared God's command at first before he obeyed...would that jinx a kid's complex or internal idea of anything about him? I personally love love love the name Samson. But the Bible dictionary says this about Samson: "He was known for his great physical strength, but he was not wise in some moral choices and actions." AHHHH How would I explain that to my son? Would he demand having long hair? Lol- Am I being silly? What is in a name anyway? Nothing? What is your opinion? Can I name our son Samson?

There is always the classic name "Christian" which I love but I will be mad when people shorten it to Chris.

Chay is slang for "friend" and "grandpa" in Navajo. Chay's dad served a mission among the Navajo Indians and his Dad is always saying that the name "Chay" fits him perfectly...and it is true. Chay is everyone's friend.

Kenzie still looks like a Sadie to me and I wished I fought harder for that name but Chay had the final word. Then we agreed I would name the next child- Julia. Which in my mind is the most beautiful classy girl's name of all time and fits Julia perfectly. I love Mckenzie's name because Kenzie is Kenzie and she is my little Kenzie- but I can't let Sadie go for some reason. 

I asked Kenzie once if she wanted to legally change her name to Sadie and she said no. LOL. What a confusing thing for a 6 year old to hear or contemplate. 

I need help in the name department for my little boy...

I need help in the life department. I am barely making it here.

We got a new car. A mini van. And guess what? I love it. There is nothing to be embarrassed about besides it is that one choice a woman makes that finalizes the end of her youth and fully embraces motherhood. It is as simple as that. It shouts middle age mom all over the place. No matter how hard a mom tries, she can't look sexy in a mini van..and that is ok, because she is a mom and married hopefully. :) Chay actually loves the van also. His pride is doing pretty well. He just loves the convenience of the van...and of course the power. "Did you know the van can go up to 160 MPH?" oh dear...I will just let him man relish in the van as much as he can. He did forget his sunglasses once while driving it and I offered him mine. He quickly responded, "I can't drive a mini-van and wear women's glasses April, I have to stop somewhere." So funny.

We were able to get the van at an awesome price plus the insurance company gave us way more for our Suburban than we were expecting. We were really having a hard time finding something reliant and in our price range. Then one day everything fell into place perfectly. My dad called the night we bought the van and he said he was praying for us all day that we could find a car. My dad has changed so much over the last 10 years, it's crazy. He is a wonderful man. He has always been wonderful but oh boy was he grumpy and feisty when we were little ones...and to hear him mention prayer as a child is something we never ever heard. His whole demeanor has gradually changed since he joined the church. It has been a wonderful thing to experience.

Well I better get off the computer and deal with reality instead of just writing about reality. First I am going to take off these maternity jeans and put on something that won't fall off me when I walk up the stairs. 9 months pregnant and I am inheriting all of Chay's huge T-shirts and basketball shorts again. I am so big this time around- butt and chin included. All the weight I am going to have to lose is Oprah show worthy...one of those magazine front cover headlines - "Mother of 4 loses 200 lbs" ok, not that bad- but it is fun to exaggerate.

Maybe I should finally take down Christmas decorations...but I love my house at Christmas time...and I'm tired.




at this rate I might as well just call them Valentines Day decorations...red works right.

Ok, Xander is playing with scissors. Bye.

the rental

After getting this 2012 Chrysler rental from the insurance company...I went into total denial that we actually need to buy another car. Can't I just have this one? It is parked in my driveway right now. I drive it everywhere like it's mine. New, cool buttons everywhere, doors open from the key fob, GPS, and much more. It is such a relief to drive after a crappy week. Can't we just keep it? It is only $35,000.   

It isn't a SUV like we want but wow, I can totally see how moms fall in love with their vans. Convenient! Will fit 4 kids perfectly-smaller, cheaper to drive...and parking is doable. I also don't have to worry about the doors hitting the car parked next to ours. The slide door thing is....rad.  My kids feel closer too. They seemed pretty far back there in the Suburban...I can actually have full on conversations with those in the 3rd row without saying "huh?" or "what?" 20 times. 

Maybe...we might get a van???? 

I don't get it

Remember my freedom goals of paying off debt?

Well since that blog post we have paid off $8000 worth of debt. Paid off both cars and a credit card.

2 months after paying off the Suburban,  it get's totaled. Yesterday. Yes, another car wreck...and if I can find anything positive to say I will say- at least it wasn't my fault for once. I probably shouldn't have gone through the intersection on a yellow light, but it still wasn't my fault.

I don't understand it.

Life.

A lady yielding left didn't see me yesterday. I couldn't stop in time. My big suburban smashed into her Altima. The airbags went off and Kenzie and Julia were more traumatized by the smell of the airbags than the actual impact.

Luckily the lady I hit was safe. I noticed quickly she had a little boy and my heart sank. ALWAYS put your babies on the driver side of the backseat! This little 18 month old was ok because his seat was behind his mommy. If it was on the other side...who knows. My big car did serious damage to her little car. Convinced me how safe those huge suburbans can be to drive in and how dangerous they can be to anything they hit.

I spent 4 hours at the hospital so they could monitor the baby. Everything is fine. My neck hurts but baby is fine and since I am A- they were slightly concerned with blood crossing. Again- fine.

Julia didn't have shoes on at the wreck. My luck. The girls did have coats however. On the corner of the intersection was a Kia dealership. The salesmen let us sit in a brand new car with the heater on. They also gave the girls candy and they were smitten by our adorable kitten. Yes, Chancho happened to be with us. Then the salesmen said the Suburban was totaled because of the airbags. We glanced over at my car- coolant was leaking fast all over the street. I knew it was a goner  The salesmen tried to convince me to buy a new Kia. Ha Ha! Like that fits into my financial goals right now in my life.

I had just picked up Kenzie from school and left Xander with the neighbor. I was in a hurry so I forgot my purse.

The other lady got a ticket for not yielding...and it so happens my car's registration expired 20 days ago. Of course! So I got a ticket for expired registration and no proof of insurance. Which will be overturned once I give the court the proof.

It seems like we are always dealing with something major.

I came home from the hospital around midnight feeling really disappointed about life. The house was a disaster and the first thing I noticed was how dirty my kitchen floor is. Kenzie did really bad on her math test and she has her first big recital for piano in a couple weeks. I haven't had a lot of time to sit down with Kenzie and help her with anything. I noticed there wasn't anything to pack in Kenzie's lunch for the next day. Julia wants to learn how to read so bad but she just isn't catching on yet. Chay's truck is making a funny sound. I had a headache from the wreck and I bent down to pick up some stranded orange peels and I felt like my stomach was going to rip in two and my uterus was going to fall out onto the floor. The kitty is out of food. I have 3 big boxes of baby clothes in the kitchen that belong in the room that is being re-finished in the basement. Who knows when the room will finally get done. The downstairs shower has a plugged drain and when we flush the toilet a little water comes up in the laundry room drain. I don't want to call a plumber right now. I would rather buy Christmas gifts. The rising cost of food has been a burden on our family and I know I need to start making my own bread which is like entering a whole new world for me. How and when? Our huge bucket of quick oats is empty and I'm trying to figure out what to make for breakfast the next day...at midnight. I am completely wasted and feel so drained from life's pressures. We now are without a family car for awhile and Kenzie needs to be taken and picked up from school everyday. Christmas is on my mind. My callings at church are on my mind. I feel empty and unable to help my circumstances very well.

How's that for a sob story???

I cried myself to sleep. I feel so very overwhelmed. I know when the girls are overwhelmed or discouraged I can hold them and reassure them. Last night I felt a huge need to be held and reassured that everything was going to be ok. It didn't happen. Chay was trying his best but he is just as frustrated with me as I am.

Better days ahead I hope.

 

to every thing there is a season

A time to be born, and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to paint furniture.

I just decided to quit painting furniture for money one day. 

Letting go of something you like to do can be hard. 

Saturday mornings I would drive around looking for perfect furniture at yard sales to paint. 

I would drag the kids to the thrift store every chance I would get. 

It was such a thrill to find unique pieces of furniture for a steal. 

I also loved how a coat of color made such a huge difference to a once tired boring dresser. 

Selling was fun- especially when I made quadruple the money I invested. 

before: (these are actually my mom and dad's bedside tables they used for years)

After: 

However, I started to evaluate my life and the time it took to find, prep, paint, sell...and I also factored in how I became super psycho mom every time I got the spray gun out. I  secretly wished I could cage up my kids for the 3 hours it took to paint and let my furniture dry. 

Before: Cami's hutch (see all the pile of unfinished furniture everywhere?)

After: 

Cami added the cute back to the bookshelf and I loved her choice of hardware. So fun.

I would read daily how to improve on painting furniture. I seemed to know a lot but knew there were more techniques to try and I knew I would eventually get really good if I kept at it. It was fun to learn a new skill. 

before: (Cami's dresser- which I decided was possessed by the devil by the time I finished it. This thing fought me to the end. It did not want to be painted yellow.) 

The picture quality isn't the greatest- bad camera and bad lighting. But BEAUTIFUL yellow. Right out of the 50's. Such a great color. 

And you have all seen the white table:

And then there was this huge random modern thing. I imagined it as a changing table for some boy's nursery. Sold quick. Before:

After:

And my blue desk- that I grew up with. I kept this. Christmas time 2010. 

I have other dressers and small projects I have painted but I can't find the pictures right now. 

My back porch and basement were cluttered with furniture waiting to be painted. You can see from some of the pictures that I had quite a few things to paint. I was always juggling time between being a mom to little ones and being a wife (Chay was not a fan of my Saturdays being eaten up by painting furniture). Most of the time it didn't feel like the right time to paint and so my collection of stuff became overwhelming. Chay was mostly patient with chairs in every corner and bed frames next to the BBQ grill.

Once I came to the decision to just let it all go- it seriously all went...fast. I sold every piece of furniture I had in 2 days on KSL. GONE. Space. Clean. Done. Over. 

 It just isn't the season in my life to do things that take me away from family. When I felt stressed, upset, confused, overwhelmed, cluttered, disorganized, moody and neglected family responsibilities too often over this certain hobby of mine despite how much I loved doing it- I knew that was the Lord telling me, "There will be another season for this April, just not now. "  

The hard part was listening. 

I finally did and I feel so FREE!

Now I have more time for the things most important in my life. Like these certain people for example: 

 Plus I hear it's not good to snort and sniff paint while pregnant.